I’ve begun acting class again and it is stirring up quite a few soul searching questions for me.
How serious am I about being a professional working actor? Am I willing to make the sacrifices? What do those sacrifices mean? Does that mean I’m putting my husband and daughter second? Am I afraid of true success? Am I afraid of failure? What if I put in all this hard work and I actually am not that talented? Do I have actual goals? Something tangible to head towards? Am I flailing about aimlessly?!?
Do I still want this?
That’s the biggest question I seem to keep coming back to. Do I still want to be an actor? And I honestly don’t know. But do I not know because I don’t get to act much anymore? Will that strong desire and passion come back once I get to perform again (even if it’s just in class at first)? Or have I given up on the hope and dream but continue to plug along out of sheer habit? I am scared to answer this question. I have found my identity in acting/as an actor for so long that I’m scared to have to go “find” myself if I let that go.
The last time I was in acting class was about 4 years ago. I was a single girl working 5 jobs (none of them acting) and trying to get work as an actor. Now I’ve come back after having moved to a different town (and back), married the love of my life, bought a home, and had a baby. All really awesome things! And pretty significant life changes.
I think I expected to go back to class and pick up where I left off…. but that place (and person) feel long gone. I know I will always love acting. But to what degree and how far do I want to go?
And now I just have the lyric from A Chorus Line going through my head: “Who am I anyway? Am I my resume? Or just a picture of a person I don’t know….”
I don’t know what I want. I don’t even know where to begin.
So I’ll just start with a scene. Put a scene up in class and take a look at what we’ve got.